A Cry for Help

My son came home from school a few days ago and I could tell something was wrong. He was quiet and withdrawn. As I sat down with him, the story he told me filled me with sorrow and made me reflect on my own life, and what I could do as a mother to avoid something so tragic happening in my family.

That day, the school psychologist visited his class to talk to them about suicide. The older sister of one of his classmates had hung herself over the weekend. They were able to revive her, but she died the next day.

My heart was heavy the whole day. I couldn’t stop thinking about the young girl’s mother and how she must feel. I also considered the desperation the girl must have been feeling to follow through with something so life altering.

There was a time in my life when I contemplated suicide, and I have scars to prove it. I look back now, from an adult perspective, and realize that my sadness at that time was much of my own making. I understand now that the inability to forgive myself for my sins and shortcomings was a motivating factor in my suicide thought process.

Youth often have difficulty placing past actions in perspective. They may feel that the steps they’ve taken are irreversible and that their prospects for a happy life have been forever shattered. If parents can keep the lines of communication open and remain accessible to their children—and sympathetic to their problems—they can do much to help dispel these fears. Unconditional love and understanding are the tools that work best.

Face it. Being a teenager is hard. There are many new social, academic, and personal pressures. And for teens who have additional problems such as divorce, substance abuse, or conflict at home to deal with, life can seem even more difficult.

Teens think deeply—about their existence in the world, the meaning of life, and other profound ideas. It is not uncommon for them to also think about death. In some cases, death even seems romantic—think about Romeo and Juliet. However, wishing to be dead, thinking about suicide, or feeling helpless and hopeless about life, are signs that a teen is in need of help.

So what makes some teens begin to think about suicide? I think one of the biggest factors is depression. A teen who has suicidal feelings often sees no other way out of problems or emotional pain they are experiencing. Depression also distorts a person’s viewpoint. They tend to focus only on their failures and the difficulties in their life. These negative feelings are often exaggerated and it is easy to become convinced there is nothing to live for. In my case, it was an attempt to communicate my desperate unhappiness—a plea for help.

I think it’s very important as parents to know the warning signs, and realize that no child is immune. Here’s a list of the most common ones:
• pulling away from friends or family
• changes in eating or sleeping habits
• major changes in appearance
• talk about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
• talk about suicide and death
• self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or driving too fast, for example)
• no desire to take part in favorite things or activities

I personally feel that teaching our children about repentance and the Savior’s unconditional love goes a long way in preventing the overwhelming feelings that inevitably precede suicidal thoughts. The message that it is never too late is vital for young people to understand.

"Lost and Found" by Greg Olsen

We have a loving Savior who already died for our sins. Repentance is not a one time opportunity. He suffered for everything we will ever do wrong. His unconditional love is the key.

Suicide is a very real thing that affects the lives of many families. It is important to remember that most people who contemplate suicide really don’t want to die. They simply want the pain to stop. The atonement not only covers our sins, it covers all of our pain and disappointments as well.

Other resources:

New Era: Questions and Answers
Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not by M. Russell Ballard
NAMI – Teen Suicide

A Christ Centered Relationship

I attended a meeting recently where one of the speakers, a marriage and family therapist from BYU, spoke on having a Christ centered marriage.  It was an amazing presentation.  A true/false checklist was handed out for each of us to assess how Christ centered our own marriages are.  It was divided into two sections:  doctrine and actions.

Doctrine:
1)  I believe eternal marriage between man and woman is ordained, or set up and sanctified by our Father in Heaven.
2)  I believe eternal marriage is possible for every son and daughter of God, and is a promised blessing to everyone that is faithful to God's commandments.
3)  I belive I can have an eternal marriage that brings joy to both spouses.
4)  I believe woman and man were divinely created to complete and complement each other.
5)  I belive that no earthly struggle, trial, disability, or injustice can prevent a person from receiving eternal marriage if he/she trusts in the Lord and keeps His commandments.
6)  I believe in the principle of being equal partners in marriages.

Actions:
7)  I speak positively about marriage and the opposite sex.
8)  Those closest to me would see me as a defender of eternal marriage between a man and woman.
9)  My spouse would say that next to my relationship with my Father in Heaven and His son Jesus Christ, our marriage is my highest priority.
10)  My spouse would describe me as an equal partner, including parenting and domestic responsibilities.
11)  My spouse and I have regular scripture study, regular couple prayer, and attend the temple together.

The speaker also presented an image similar to the one below:

If you picture the man and woman in this picture, each becoming closer to Christ and rising up the sides of the triangle, they automatically become closer to one another as well.  This visual image solidified something in my mind that I realized I already knew.

I know there are many out there who probably find these words about marriage difficult to read.  Believe me when I say, I understand.  I lived through a very difficult marriage for 19 years.  I'm a happily married newlywed now, but I know that trials are inevitable, and if we both strive to become closer to the Savior, we can make it through the difficult times and come out closer in the end.

A Personal Look at the Prophet

This week, I had the privilege of attending a meeting where Ann Dibb, the second counselor in the Young Women's general presideny, spoke.  She is also the daughter of President Thomas S. Monson. 

She talked about a variety of things including self confidence, problem solving, overcoming temptations, and embracing virtue.

She also presented the 100% challenge, and said that simply following it 100% of the time would make a distinct impact on our lives. The challenge includes three things:

1.  Pray morning and night.
2.  Read 5 minutes in the scriptures each day.
3.  Smile

I can do these.  I'm putting them on my to do list--I'll let you know how it goes.

Sister Dibb bore her testimony of the importance of having a prophet on the earth who is mindful of our needs today.  At the conclusion of her meeting she opened it up for questions about her father, the prophet.  It was fun to see him through her eyes.

Ann said she is a whiner and often feels sorry for herself and that her father is constantly trying to help her look on the bright side.  He often counsels her to let things go when there is no resolution.  Ann joked, "I do--after a few years."

She shared the fact that she often has the desire to go shopping on Sunday,but that she doesn't because she knows she would run into someone and get caught. President Monson reassured her that was not the real reason she doesn't go. It was refreshing to me to hear that this strong, amazing woman had a weakness like this. It made me respect her more.

I learned many fun tidbits about the prophet such as chocolate calls to him, and he whistles when he's happy. He has pigeons, loves musicals, fishing, springer spaniels, and going to the Utah Jazz games.

The question was asked if she could call her father anytime she wanted to talk to him. She said she's respectful of his time, knowing he has many important meetings to attend, but that she can call him when she needs him. She joked about the fact that she has to be conscious about leaving her ringer on so that he can call her. She said he leaves funny messages when she doesn't answer. "I just keep leavin' these messages . . ."

Her display included many candid pictures of her mother and father and said President Monson loves pictures of his wife. She said if you want to watch TV like the prophet, watch Perry Mason, Antiques Roadshow, Lawrence Welk, sports, and the news.

She closed by emphasizing that her father is not perfect, but she loves him anyway, and expressing gratitude for the example he sets of making others feel important and loved.

The evening with my daughters was one well spent. Sister Dibb's thoughts were very inspiring, and I left the meeting determined to be and do better, but also with the realization that I really am on the right path.

A Soft Voice

The world today is full of noise—blaring televisions,cell phones, iPods, & video games. We all suffer from a case of sensory overload. Is it any wonder that we sometimes miss the soft voice of the Lord?

“They heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul.” (Hel. 5:30; italics added.)

As a parent, I’ve found that my children respond more quickly and positively when I use a soft voice. I think our Heavenly Father is the same, although he has the skill perfected. He doesn’t force us to do anything. He calmly and quietly encourages us, and then loves us regardless of our choices.

His soft voice rejoices with us when we make good decisions and softly comforts us when we don’t. He steers us toward repentance when it is needed, but calls from Him are always tender and free from condemnation.

“Every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess that gentleness is better than brutality, that kindness is greater than coercion, that the soft voice turneth away wrath.” –Howard W. Hunter

“We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention.” –Gordon B. Hinckley

In our homes, this can be a model for the way we talk to our family members. Let us not use a loud voice but a soft voice when we talk to those we love. This is the way Heavenly Father speaks to us and wants us to speak to each other.

I hear the voice of the Lord often in my life. At times his voice seems louder than others. I think that is the time when I am more in tune, and when my life is more in line with His teachings. Although there have been times in my life when I have known He is there and heard His voice at times when I probably didn't deserve to have his help. He is a loving father and will never leave us alone. He is always talking, but our ability to hear His voice is based on our own worthiness. Never hesitate to go to Him. Even if it feels like He isn't listening, He is. It's likely that you just aren't hearing Him back.

So what are some things we can each do individually to hear the voice of the Lord more in our lives?

It is our responsibility to step away from the noise of the world. We need to put ourselves in a quiet time and place conducive to hearing His voice. If we strive to hear, he will respond. We can do this through personal meditation, prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance. It is in these moments, away from the cares of the world, that we are more likely to hear His voice.

If we aren’t doing those things, He will still attempt to talk to us. He will never leave us alone, but it’s possible we may not be able to hear. The breakdown of communication will be on our end. Obeying the commandments opens up a line of communication we are otherwise unable to access.

We need to ask for his help and then we need to take the time to listen. He always answers, but we are often too busy going about our noisy, busy lives that we fail to hear. There are lots of outside noises, but often we have inside noises as well. Sin creates inner noise. So do simple things such as hurrying, stress, deadlines, and just being too busy. If we take the time to step away from the noise, we are often more receptive to his voice. We will have a greater desire to follow the counsel we receive, and we will be more aware of His love.

His voice will never get louder. We need to tone down our environment so that we can hear Him. And when you hear him--follow.

A Special Spirit

As I sat in the foyer, holding Alyssa crying on my lap, I wondered why I had been chosen to be her teacher. Alyssa was born with Sotos Syndrome. She was a beautiful little girl with many challenges.

The primary presidency decided she needed some one-on-one attention, so in addition to her regular primary teacher, they called me to be her teacher. My assignment was simply to be with Alyssa while the other teacher presented the lesson, which Alyssa and I rarely heard.

I was instructed not to get her mother unless it was absolutely necessary. The first few weeks we alternated between sitting in the foyer, Alyssa screaming on my lap, and going to the bathroom to wipe her nose which was constantly running from crying.

I received many looks of sympathy from other adults who walked by. They all appeared to be glad it was me and not them who had to deal with Alyssa’s behavior. It was difficult, and I felt helpless. The first few weeks Alyssa’s mom finally came out to rescue me. I think the whole ward could hear Alyssa crying.

If Alyssa’s mom brought her to primary, we never even made it into sharing time, because she cried and refused to leave her mom. When her mom finally tore herself away, Alyssa was left screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. I finally figured out that if I took her outside, she seemed to calm down, so we spent a lot of time walking around the church outside, talking about Heavenly Father and all the beautiful things He created for us. Slowly, Alyssa seemed to be warming up to me.

Eventually, Alyssa and I were the best of friends. She always came to find me after sacrament so we could go to class together. She even stayed in class and participated, as much as she was able to, in the lesson.

Her mother and I were cub scout leaders for the wolf den, and Alyssa started coming to scouts every week. She proudly wore her mom’s scout shirt and joined in all the activities. Alyssa’s mom said she talked about me all week, wanting to know when I was coming over to her house.

I came to realize that although I had been called to help Alyssa, the calling was more for what she could do for me than what I could do for her. I was at a tough juncture in my life. I was in the process of repenting for some serious mistakes, and I wasn’t feeling very worthy or very loved. Alyssa’s smile filled my heart each week. She needed me, and relied on me to feel safe in primary. And I needed her. I finally figured out that if someone as sweet, loving, and innocent as Alyssa loved me, then I must be worth loving. She helped me heal from years of heartache.

It was a privilege to be her anchor, to keep her safe from the perceived threats in primary and to feel her healing love in return. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I now know why Heavenly Father sends his most special spirits to the earth clothed in bodies and possibly minds that are not quite whole. It is for the benefit of those of us who are privileged to be part of their world.

Thanks Alyssa! I’ll never forget you.

*Names were changed to protect privacy.

Recalculating Route

I recently attended a Relief Society Women’s Conference. The speaker recounted an experience about driving in a foreign city on vacation. She had rented a car that had a GPS navigation system. The friendly voice in the system directed her to a destination by telling her which streets, exits, and turns to take. There were several times when she did not follow the directions and missed a turn. The voice inside the system remained friendly. It did not shout or curse at her, “You stupid driver. You missed the turn back there!” It simply and kindly said “recalculating route” and found a new way for her to get back on her original course.

There is a great lesson to be learned from the simple statement, “recalculating route”. In life, there are often times that we get off our original course. There can be many causes of this: death of a loved one, financial burdens, loss of employment, divorce, sin, and many others. Most of these are things we cannot control.

Often we get off course simply because we stop moving forward. When this happens it usually just takes a small push and we gain our momentum and get moving again. The push could be in the form of a phone call from a friend, an inspiring talk in sacrament meeting, or simply an answer to earnest prayer. Regardless of the reason for our momentary lack in progress, it is important to realize that we are not on the right track . . . pause . . . evaluate . . . and decide to make a change.

Another thing can happen when we are standing still. Sometimes a small push will send us in the wrong direction—into the path of sin. Sin is something we ultimately can control, and it often leads us way off our original course. If you have traveled down the path of sin, it is never too late to recalculate your route. The way back will likely not be easy, the path could be riddled with holes. Sometimes it may seem easier to pick a different destination. But, no other path and no other destination will bring the ultimate reward of arriving where you originally planned to go.

I know when I left my Heavenly Father and came to this earth, I planned to do everything I could to follow the path that would lead me back to Him. I’ve taken a few detours and fallen off the path several times. But each time, through the light of the Saviors love, I’ve made the choice to evaluate where I am and get back on the correct path. I’m sure the detours I will take throughout my life are not over, but through the atonement I know that if I fall away from the correct path, there is always a way back—Christ will not leave you by the wayside.

If you’ve taken the wrong path, listen to your internal navigation system. The light of Christ will softly and safely help you find the way. Recalculate your route and get off the destructive path of sin which can only lead to a dead end road. The end of your path may seem too far away to concern you now. But you never know, your end could be looming right around the next bend. Recalculate your route and turn around. It might be the most important turn you ever take.